It doesn’t seem fair, does it? Nobody told you how to do it and there aren’t any classes, online or off, and already they are expecting you to know what to do and they will not be satisfied with your smile. Certainly they will send you advisors from the campaign, but you might be more comfortable with a few homey tips from well-meaning strangers. So here goes.
1. Tone down the clothes, at least for a few weeks. You don’t have to go all dowdy, just cut a little of the sexual wattage for the sake of our tired eyes. A handsome designer outfit such as the female head of a Fortune 500 company (there are a few of them!) might wear to a board meeting when her company is going under. After all, the U.S. is a corporation, and it may be going under. (You may want to pass this advice on to the other women in your family. After all, you don’t want them to upstage you. That really wouldn’t be fair.)
2. Use your feminine wiles on the new president. You know better how to do that than we do. One suggestion: beg him prettily to give you the ten-foot portrait the Trump Foundation paid for. Tell him you are dying to hang it in your bedroom, where you can see it from your bed. How could he resist?
3. Begin planning, now, to deal with the unfair legal challenges, produced by a rigged system that only worked once. Explain that Trump University was a brilliant idea, mishandled by a bunch of doofuses who didn’t know how to run it. Invite a select few of the students who were stiffed to a coffee in the marble foyer of Trump Tower. That will fix them, for sure.
4. As for that girl and her ridiculous claims, find someone you trust to testify that he had sex with her in an alley a year ago, when she was fourteen, she wasn’t a virgin and she wanted it and then tried to get him to pay up. Add that if she turns up pregnant, you will see to it that one of those abortion clinics your husband is going to shut down gets rid of it, and you will bill Planned Parenthood for the procedure—and make it stick. The women who supported your husband will love that.
5. You’ll certainly have a chance to visit with Mrs. Obama. Remember, she has become very popular and you can learn a few tricks from her. Listen carefully and ask the right questions and get one of your staff to buy you a dark-colored shift at Target to wear with flat shoes. You don’t want to seem to compete with her; she is just too classy and sexy. So play the petitioner even if it goes against the grain, and ask her about her garden, and better nutrition for poor people, and keeping her children out of the limelight—which actually you don’t want to do, but a first lady has to lie a little. Then you can thank her publicly and placate some of the women who imagine you lack empathy. (It’s just a word, but it sure is useful.) Oh, and don’t take notes. Some idiot will claim you “cribbed” your next speech. If you need stuff to quote, and you will (it’s not fair but you’re going to be giving talks to things like garden clubs), use the encyclopedia. Everything there is in the public domain. Some of us thought “Bible” but you don’t want to take that risk. Some idiot news reporter would be sure to raise that old tale about the man—was it Moses?—who had some kind of crazy yen for his daughter.
6. See if you can find a cute reporter, best if he’s from The New York Times, and ask him to accompany you to a big New York benefit when the president is not available. Be careful how you play this: cute and coy but reserved. This is a time when you can bring out the sexy outfit. The Times will be forced to feature the two of you on the front page. Then how can they claim the president doesn’t like reporters? Of course he doesn’t, for very good reasons, but again a white lie always helps.
7. Try to find a poor woman to be your friend. We know this will be tough since poor women don’t hang out where you do and you might be deluged with complaints. One of the women who cleans a Trump hotel might qualify. Ask her up to your three-story apartment for a cup of coffee, show her the view, discuss cleaning products, and be sure the news cameras are there. Then tell her “Adios,” showing your command of Spanish. Your public will never forget it. Another example of your empathy.
By now you will be getting bored with all our little suggestions. Feel free to ignore them all. If you want to do one, we suggest you do the poor woman. It would really amaze us.
And good luck with this unfair job you never asked for.
A company of women