Caramic Wall Sculpture by Laurie Pollpeter Eskenazi
I’ve really never imagined that there could be rules of the heart, the heart being to my mind the most unpredictable and variable organ in the human body; but yesterday morning a dear friend laid his rules out in no uncertain terms. I didn’t write them down and so the following list is a bit of mine and a bit of his. Perhaps one or another of these rules might be helpful in the difficult times through which we are slowly and painfully trudging.
As my friend says and I know well, the sexual attraction that flames up between two people is sure to go out out, sooner or later, and then what remains is the hard work, if the relationship is going to survive. I think this applies to every gender and transgender human being on this planet. Here are my friend’s rules of the heart:
- KINDNESS
- TENDERNESS
- COOPERATION
I’m adding my own rules, worked out through long and apparently fruitless struggles with “the opposite sex”:
- A SHARED VISION; A HOUSE, A FAMILY, A GOAL OUT IN THE BIG WORLD, A GOAL THAT WILL REQUIRE MORE WORK AND SACRIFICE THAN A HOUSE OR EVEN A FAMILY.
- GOOD MANNERS. THIS MEANS NO CURSING, NO HANGING UP THE PHONE OR OTHER GLARING EXAMPLES OF RUDENESS. INEVITABLE FRUSTRATION AND ANGER MUST FIND OTHER FORMS OF EXPRESSION—A LETTER, FOR EXAMPLE.
- IN THE CASE OF THOSE HAVING CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN, A SHARED VISION OF WHAT WE EXPECT OF THEM AND A WILLINGNESS TO EXPRESS OUR OPINIONS POWERFULLY ABOUT IMPORTANT ISSUES, EVEN WHEN RESENTMENT AND WITHDRAWAL FOLLOW. THE TRUTH IS THAT YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY OFTEN HAVE NO GUIDANCE AT ALL AFTER BEING TAUGHT HOW TO TIE THEIR SHOES.
- AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, PATIENCE.
Now someone will wonder: where is romance in all of this? The answer is NOWHERE. It is important to outgrow and leave behind notions of romance which belong to the very early part of life, if anywhere.
What remains? What remains is the peaceful and solid and hard-won relationship I observed Friday night when having dinner with old friends. Shared pleasure in small things such as having dinner outside on the porch and watching the pink and silver clouds form in the West as the hot sun sets. This after forty years of professional and financial struggles, crises with children, and all the other ordinary pains and challenges of our very ordinary lives.
Seven rules seem to be beyond me, still tangled in the Southern Romance, but I have recourse to the satisfaction of a mostly peaceful solitude.
The lists provided by your friend and you have well encompassed the foundation of a long term relationship with the heart. However, I do believe that passion or a spark for the person in one’s life is absolutely necessary. It does not have to be a fire brightly burning all the time, as that will dissipate the fuel and become cold. It has to make one feel expectant and, occasionally, exhilarated when they are coming into your presence or they sit with you for whatever purpose. It may ignite and burn mightily or just furnish the spark that leads to openness and conversation that teaches or informs. I do believe that passion, in small doses, is necessary on many levels.
Well spoken. I must admit I miss having someone “light my fire” even at 82😉
Very interesting post. I think a sense of humor helps all the gears work. Also, kids do seem to hunger for guidance these days. I notice they really perk up when somebody is not afraid to have a strong point of view. Our fashionable new milquetoast behavior, I notice, is not displayed or embraced by recent immigrants. My nephew’s best friend is Chinese. For years, this boy’s mother has shooed them out of the house refusing to allow hours of video games. Forget about Doritos between meals! Both boys meekly obey and are probably better off for it.
To love and be love is is human.Regardless of age, a man and a woman longs for the satisfaction of physical need and expression of affection.