All of us who live alone although close to family and at times sharing seasonal celebrations know that we have a core of friends who are not just an alternative to relatives. They may know us better and even love us more!
In light of this fact, I gave a “Thanksgiving for Friends”—about thirty of them—at my house on Saturday night. This is a wonderful heterogeneous group of people; my piano teacher, the terrific interviewer from the local radio station, the man who owns the best furniture store in town, the couple who run the mail service center that is essential to my working life, and old friends who have been with me through thick and thin and a good deal of things of late—all were gathered together at round tables covered with bronze-colored tablecloths, with the previous generation’s silver candlesticks, which I almost never use, polished and set out for the occasion. And I had a “party dress”—there’s never any use for that kind of costume here in Santa Fe—and a hair-do and make-up job all of which helped to quell the inevitable jitters attending giving a party alone.
Something my mother, bless her, would never have considered doing. I think she would have viewed a host-less party as a sort of blasphemy. She always dreaded being asked to include a single woman, divorced, widowed, or never married, because such a person would make an uneven number at the table, a sure cause of bad luck. It didn’t have to be the number thirteen; unevenness was the problem.
I think I may be uneven by nature—I rather like the idea! I certainly find myself most at home with others who live on the fringe, by choice, friends who are too original, too outsiderish, too non-conforming to fit into the social dance. Of course we sometimes feel uncomfortable, as though our unevenness is a badly fitting pair of shoes, pinching our toes, but on better days, and nights, we rejoice in being “weird” and in living in a city that is sometimes (although rarely now) called “different.”
Santa Fe, which has doubled in size since I moved her almost 22 years ago, is probably inevitably losing its differentness under the merciless pressure of development. It seems inevitable as more and more people crowd in that they bring with them the odor of ordinariness, in the form of huge houses in “gated communities.” I doubt if a community can ever exist, gated; the essence of a community is unpredictable inclusiveness.
I photographed the tables before people began to arrive, at least to give a sense of the scene as it was set up to receive my precious friends.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Sallie Bingham, thanks for sharing this. I’ve spent more than one T-day without family.
I have a husband but wish I could be with my family too but at least I have a warm cabin that I call home
it was a great party, thanks
Oh, so true, Sallie!
Thanks so much for posting this..it has reaffirmed so much of what I believe and how I live! And I would love to quote you in my writing- especially the comment on friends who become our loving families, and that fabulous quote : “………….the essence of community is unpredictable inclusiveness”
I think that statement should go “viral”–especially now that America is being asked to become just one big gated community by candidates whose faces are the stuff of nightmares!
Loved your phrase “uneven by nature”. Don’t think I’ve ever heard that term. I was widowed in March after 57 wonderful sharing years with a husband who was my best friend and ally, because I have always been somewhat outspoken and strong willed, and he enjoyed that aspect of my personality. Now that I am alone, people continually are sweetly saying, “HOW are you doing?” I try to carefully express appreciation for their concern, but truthfully, I think I am doing OK being just ONE. There is much loss of my sweet husband, but through years of his support of my individuality, and perhaps my French heritage, I find I am strong and can entertain, travel, eat out, go to events,and live alone in our home. (I do share it with a cat!) Perhaps being “uneven by nature” is a healthy personal strength. Thanks for that phrase. Am pondering it this morning. I must add – fortunately, I am surrounded by a large loving family.
we are the family we choose, but to your point dear Carol. you are so right, we are legible as a person/individual,
You bet.
Happy thanksgiving!!!!
Santa Fe , one of my most favorite spots !
Was remarking to friends lately that lchosing Santa Fe as a home allowed me to be myself without fear of judgment. I think Santa Fe retains that. As a realtor I meet wonderful new whackos all the time. Thank god. For this blue island in a Red Sea.
Wish we could have joined you.